Dale Arrogance Accusal

From the blog of Iain Dale..."Guido writes what he likes and is beholden to no one apart from himself". Pot and kettle spring to mind.

The Deputy Leader Apprentice

Tonight is Wednesday and there is no Party Animals all that appears to be watchable tonight is the cricket in the Sports but I fear that will be overtaken by the football (England 0 - Andorra 0). Then this morning whilst half awake listening to Today a trailer comes on for The Apprentice and cue the catchphrases; contestants saying "I'm driven, motivated and I know I can do this and I will destroy anyone who get's in my way". Sir Alan "You are a load of crap. You're fired". Annoying bloke in background "The Search for Sir Alan's Apprentice is on". Now having watched previous series and worried that the contestants really might be the best British industry has to offer I am going to give it a miss and watch tonight's goalless draw. However, an idea has occured to me. Once Gordon has realised his destiny and become leader then the search for his apprentice can begin. All the deputy leadership candidates can be divided into two teams and given snappy names such as Dynamo and Polynix. Each week Gordon sets the two teams a task. "Being my apprentice involves making the voters think we care, you're task is to get as many people to switch to voting Labour in 24 hours". Then at the end the teams are hauled into Number 10 where Gordon delivers the results...

GB: "Dynamo a disappointing result there you got nobody to switch. What went wrong..."

Peter Hain (for he is project leader): "Well..."

GB: "I don't care, you're sh*t. Polynix you to got nobody to switch. Anything to say?"

Hilary Benn (for he is the other project leader): "Yes. I think..."

GB: "I didn't think you had anything to say because you are just a load of retarded donkeys. Anyway Polynix you managed not to make anyone switch to voting Tory unlike Dynamo who actually made 16 people Tory. Therefore Polynix you win and as a treat you can have a mini sausage roll each. Now bugger off. Dynamo you stay here for one of you will be fired."

Polynix team bugger off.

GB: "So Dynamo who cost you this task?"

Dynamo (in unison): "Cruddas"

GB: "Hazel. You're ginger. You're a liability. You're not Scottish. You're female and you're surname sounds very much like Blair. Why shouldn't I fire you?"

Hazel Blears: "Sir Gordon if I could just point out..."

GB: "I don't care, I don't like you. Hazel...YOU'RE FIRED"

And so this process until one winner and deputy leader is chosen. Now that would be a proper deputy leadership contest.

Pimp My Blog

My thanks to a source known as The Hairy Chest for drawing my attention to gizoogle. This marvellous search engine works just like google only when you click on the necessary link to the website it makes it all Gangsta. Therefore, you can now view Lord Lucan in gangsta speak as part of my outreach agenda into the inner cities. Just click on the link here, Mo Fo. Shizzle on ma whizzle.

S&S Quiz Night

Last night saw the welcome return of Quiz Night in the Sports and Social Club. Defending champions featuring myself, Barry Beef, F*ck All, Pookie and a masked superstar were back to defend our title and due to a change in article 7.4 subparagraph 2 of the S&S Pub Quiz Rulebook were allowed to field an additional sixth player and went for the fluffy animal lover. In order to maintain our luck we had last time we sat at the same table as last time and kept the same team name "I wish this microphone was a penis" although that seemed to be abbreviated to "penis" by the authorities. Defending our title was not going to be easy and there were many more teams involved some of whom were armed with mobile phones and WAP and sure enough we lost our title and came a disappointing but perfectly respectable 8th place. This was a great number of places higher than a team by the name of "The Final Countdown" formed together by a crowd of drunken retrobates who are normally found in the Sports every night and a drafted in ringer by the name of Recess Monkey. They were almost as unsporting as we were by having twice the number of permitted players, taunting gestures at our team and generally being drunk and boisterous. However, after scoring 1/10 in the TV Police round they were destined to get the woooden spoon, although the wooden spoon turned out to be a toy bee with a fan on it. Revenge for the taunting we expericed from them during the quiz was dished out with songs and generally poor behaviour. However, a good night was had by fall and congratulations to Na-Na-Na for falling down the stairs this morning as a result of his hangover. Oh, and well done to Joe's Team for winning.

Call To Arms

The 10 Downing Street Petitions' website is a marvellous thing. Even if the PM will ignore all of them, the idea that the plebs might be able to influence the dictator is a nice theoretical idea, if not a realistic one. I was emailed this morning to sign a petition which I do not agree with and decided to browse through what else I might want to sign and I came across this beauty started by a certain Rudolph Hucker...

"We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Introduce Compulsory Tattooing of a BarCode on each citizen's forehead"

A stroke of genius thinking if ever I saw one. Currently, including myself, there are 18 signatories but with your help dear readers we can make it more. We can make the road pricing petition of a few weeks ago seem like a mere drop in the ocean to the amount of signatories we can get. So let's do it, signing the petition couldn't be easier, just name, email, address. They email you, you click on a link and bingo bongo, you've signed. Click here for the link and let's do this.

Totty Watch

So with Party Animals over I might not be able to show some photo's of top totty Shelley Conn (Ashika "I'm fit and and I'm Asian" Chandiramani) or Clemencey Burton-Hill (Sophie "Woo Hoo" Montgomerie). So for one final hurrah here's Shelley...And for what she does not have in acting ability she makes up for in being fit, I give you Clemencey...

Party Animals - The Party's Over

My complete despair at Party Animals has lead me unable to write about it, so please welcome guest writer Ancient Geek with thier summary....

The final gripping episode began with a strangely muffled resume of shots from last week’s extravaganza, which may have been partly due to the fact that Nigel, my cat, had knocked the remote control off the arm of the settee and all the batteries fell out. Before we knew where we were, in fact, in less than the time it took for Scott to tell Danny to “go and stuff some envelopes”, Scott was doing some stuffing of his own. Poshmaterialised outside his hotel room door and they then established an all time world personal best record for getting one’s kit off. Better than Woody Allen in “Bananas” by several seconds. Scott has strangely white shoulders. Disturbingly (at least for my febrilemind) Scott and Posh talked about “hanging out”. Considering that at that moment everything literally WAS hanging out, I found it difficult to restrain the blandishments of the double entendre fairy thereafter, and when Scott said, “I want to see you properly” for some reason I found this sufficiently funny to make me snork into my glass of red wine.

Meanwhile, back in Westminster, Kirsty was still making haddock eyes at the chiselled Adrian (as we now discover he is called, or at least those of us who weren’t paying attention last week) whenever she spots him in the corridors of power. It’s not hard to spot him. You get plenty of advance warning, because his wonderfully improbable chin comes round the corner ten minutes before the rest of him. In another office, some anonymous Labour whippy type character was advising Danny to ditch Jo Porter with the immortal line “you don’t want to go down with her”. Nor ON her, breathed the double entendre fairy in my ear, sending another fine spray of Californian red over the now-recumbent Nigel.

Cut to a ghastly street in Sedley, with Labour supporters shutting the door on Posh. She would have been more successful with a stack of copies of "The Watchtower". Posh discussed the qualities of an ideal husband with the grim harridan who has been appointed her bodyguard. Posh chose honesty, while Grim Gloria chose having her husband not fart against her leg in bed. Ungrateful cow, he’s trying to warm you up! Anyway, that passes for entertainment in Sedley. By now, tears of mirth were beginning to form behind my specs.

There then followed a confusing (at least to me) mishmash. Kirsty said sorry to Danny for sleeping with Scott. Scott meanwhile was up in Sedley, with Barbie at his side, putting stripe after stripe of orange highlighter through lists of people (presumably those who would be first against a wall when the revolution comes?) and being asked by Barbie what he made of the new Mosque (a hat? A brooch?). Back at the Houses of Parliament, Mr Fat PervyOld Guard Tory was looking at the feelthy pictures of Posh and Mr Tory-Bastard engaging in a doorstep fumble of the type that David Seaman would have been proud to acknowledge, and wondering how to cause maximum damage with them to Mr Tory-Bastard. Considering they were about as erotic as a bowl of cold custard, he’s got a job on his hands – or not, as it turns out. The press are obviously easily shocked by pictures of fully clothed people administering pecks on the cheek.

Next morning, Kirsty is checking her email, and as predicted, there is one from Adrian, who must have somehow managed to get back into Burtons window in time to avoid turning into a pumpkin. But, instead of the expected “thanks for the shag, fancy a job?”, his email tells her that she’s already enjoyed the only challenging position he can offer her is one she's already experienced the night before. Undeterred, she seeks him out and tells him she didn't think much of his performance which apparently lasted three minutes (sounds quite impressive to me). Predictably, he takes it on the chin.

Scott and Posh are still engaged in post coital small talk, this time on a park bench. Gloria the Grim has noticed how they were at the disco. The finches come up again, in some highly symbolic dialogue which was frankly lost on me. It's all going to get rough in the last week, but Scott promises that he'll warn her if he's going to push her nuclear button. No change there then. Rumours aboud about Mr T-B shagging someone from the Spectator. Thankfully for the contents of my digestive system, it turns out NOT to be Boris Johnson. I don't know how they ever get the Spectator published on time. There must be a little guy in the basement churning them out on a duplicator while listening to muffled thuds and screams of ecstasy from locked offices, and dust falling in a fine rain from the ceiling.

Jo Porter's ex has told all to the papers, and Danny rescues her once again from the bottom of a bottle of scotch, takes her back to his place where Kirsty seems to be also living (I was losing it a bit at this point) and cooks them all a meal. They then argue over whether to watch Cry Freedom or Strictly Come Dancing. If Cry Freedom has Desmond Tutu in it, they could have had both. Who cares, anyway?

Predictably the feelthy photos of Posh arrive in the camp of Reg Buggins, just in time to coincide with the arrival of Danny, who leaks them to the press, as Scott is too wimpy to do it. Cue predictable face off in the alley between the two bros.

The press are baying for statements from Posh. The day of the count arrives. Buggins wins by 3 votes. The BNP save their deposit but the chicken only polls 383. Unwisely, Mr Tory-Bastard has scheduled a debate against Jo Porter before the resounding clang of shit hitting fan over his affair, and she develops the oratory of Pitt the Younger in a complete personality transplant while he's forced to sit there looking like someone who's rabbit has just died and he can't sell the hutch.

And that's it really. All over bar the sweeping up. Touching little scene at the end with the two brothers asking each other if they were "OK". I think we, the viewing public, already knew the answer to that one.

My thanks once again to Ancient Geek for his hard work and to Hamer Shawcross for forwarding the work to me.

The Party's Over

Am I the only one who after sticking with Party Animals throughout the season feels a hugely disappointing an empty void and the thought of what the heck was that? More to follow when I have the strength.

Gwierdo Nails It

Following yesterday's post about Iain Dale and his troubles with his dildo writing nasty comments those great folks at Gwierdo have put together this absolute beauty, even if it is a little disturbing...
And remember, if you have anything as brilliant as this that you want to let Lord Lucan know you can always leave a comment (you can even call yourself Lord Lucan's Dildo) or you can email me at thelordlucan@yahoo.co.uk

Party Animals - Crush Pineapple Shake The Tree

I really really cannot describe how poor last night's episode was. Let's put it like this having got home I got the ironing out and thought watching Party Animals and doing ironing would be nice and I won't want a drink, then at 9.50 I was running for the pub this was so bad. I really can't be bothered to do a full rundown of the plot (if you could call it that) so I will briefly run through what happened to each character...

Ashika "I'm fit and I'm Asian" Chandiramani...In the by-election race things are getting bitchy by both Ashika and Scott. Ashika also gets sticks of rock made with her name on it. They shock of horrors, Fancy a Shag has tracked down her father and got a less than flattering quote. So what do you do when somebody has screwed you over and got your family involve? That's right, you have sex with them and they then attempt to do it in a school classroom before going to do it properly in bed. However, things are about to get complicted...

Scott "Fancy a Shag" Foster...Scott having screwed Ashika's campaign then decides to screw Ashika herself. However, Fancy a Shag is not all testosterone oh no. He has a softer side and decides that he really rather likes I'm Fit and I'm Asian and asks her if they could live happily ever as boyfriend and girlfriend. Ashika though is a very confused girl what with the campaign, Fancy a Shag and having to rush down to London to have an urgent triste with...

James "I've got a Massive Knob" Northcote...Poor old James he wanders around the whole episode like a lost wet sponge without Ashika and eventually demands she comes to London as he really needs to see him. Only to declare his undying love for Ashika and propose to her. Ashika though tells him to f*ck off and then gives him a long hug (just a hug) on his doorstep which is snapped by a pepperami photographer and leaked to George "Kill The Bastards" Morgan. Although what happens there we will have to see.

Matt "Hello Boys" Baker...Hello Boys wanders around being gay and not helping the storyline at all.

Jo "I'll Grill Your Testicles" Porter...Elsewhere, Jo is on a downward spiral she clearly is an alcoholic and her husband leaves her for the nanny. All this happens while she is planning a shock resignation over a furore the Human Rights Act which will ruin the PM and the Chancellor forcing a leadership contest. However, she gets hammered in St Stephen's Tavern and tells it to the world ahead of time. Her carreer is spiaraling out of control.

Danny "You Know I'm Actually Kerron Cross" Foster...Ever loyal Kerron, sorry Danny is right by I'll Grill Your Testicles' side. Furthermore, Why Do I Exist wants to borrow his house to have a dinner party for a group she's doing a skydive with. The really odd thing about this is that one of the skydiver's (let's call him Yah!) starts doing cocaine on Danny's coffee table without even asking if he minded. Manners, they just don't happen anymore.

Kirsty "Why Do I Exist" Mackenzie...Kirsty has an alterior motive f0r this dinner. Yah! has a job going which Kirsty wants. However, Yah! reveals to Danny that he plans to shag her to give her the job. Kirsty seems absolutely fine with that though Danny is appaled and storms off. Kirsty is sad. The sexual chemistry is so strong between these two that something is destined to happen.

Sophie "Woo Hoo" Montgomery...Woo Hoo gets called a little bitch but doesn't appear in the show. Shame.

Remember next Wednesday is the explosive final episode. What will happy to the photos? Who will I'm fit and I'm Asian spend the rest of her life with and will she win the by-election. What will happen to I'll grill your testicles' carreer? Will You know I'm Actually Kerron Cross and Why do I exist actually get it on? Will Woo Hoo make another appearance? Does anyone care?

Dale and His Dildo

Poor old Iain Dale, so big is his ego and so low is his popularity has resulted in him having to put comment registration on due to the massive number of abusive comments as he says "I'm just not prepared to allow comments from people who call themselves IAIN DALE'S DILDO." Is it just me or is that funny?

Turkeys Don't Vote For Christmas

The Peers in the House of Lords are p*ssing all over Jack Straw's House of Lords Reform and by absolutely massive majorities. Lord Lucan is off to toast those wise men and women. Latest vote on 80% elected 20% appointed has just come in as 336 to 114 respectively. The all appointed vote won by 361 votes to 121. KEEP AN ALL APPOINTED HOUSE!!!

Cricket News

Well what a thouroughly enjoyable match yesterday and wonderful news for my fantasy team with Dwayne Bravo getting three wickets, one catch and 16 runs at a strike rate of 94.1% thus earning Lucan 27 points. Today the players to watch from the Scotland/Australia game are Brad Hodge and the main man Adam Gilchrist who is already earning me points with only a few overs gone. Also if you are watching the cricket and wish that you could be there playing shots to the boundary those fantastic guys at stick cricket have delveloped a super Super 8 game where you can live the dream. They've even managed to put in left-handed players, although there picture on Monty Panesar isn't quite accurate. Right, in-tray under control feet up and watch cricket.

Trident - Nuclear or Unclear?

The observant staff in Westminster may have noticed that there has been a bit of a whisper going around about Trident. No, not the weapon of choice by Neptune but the British Nuclear facility and whether we should renew it at slightly large cost. Some say yes and some say no and know I am going to throw my 2 cents into the hat. British nuclear facility was an essential over the Cold War, now that that is over the threat from the USSR does not exist and one would think that we therefore have no cause for Trident and that we should help lead the way on global nuclear disarmament. However, the end of the Cold War has marked a new dawn. Nuclear Terrorism is not a myth it is fact and terrorist with the necessary know how get hold of nuclear weapon. Furthermore states such as Iran, who have wished for the elimination of Israel and expressed a hatred for the West are developing nuclear capabilities. Iran says it is for nuclear power but there is a genuine global concern that this will be developed into weapons. North Korea, another country who threatens the liberties that the West stands for, is also in the process of nuclear weapon development. Britain, through its special relationship with the USA and involvement in Iraq whatever the rights or wrongs of that may be, is a prime target for those who wish to destroy Western Ideals. These ideals; liberal democracy, freedom of speech, the rule of law and popular sovereignty, are ideals which all major political parties attempt to defend and therefore any threat to these ideals must be taken seriously. When countries who threaten have nuclear capabilities we need to have nuclear capability to act as a deterrent and as a form of attack (although this I think we all agree this God-willing should never ever happen). Nuclear disarmament is happening slowly, far to slowly, and Britain is leading the way on this but while the nuclear threat exists we need to be a nuclear power. So when the Trident vote comes down to the Lords, Lord Lucan will walk down the content lobby for Trident.

Lord Lucan Awards - Best Blog

The award for best blog was a tricky one to decide. There is a lot of good stuff out there (incidently there is also a lot of sh*t). However, the winner has a well established blog which updates regularly and on the whole provides interesting reading. The political views expressed I don't always agree with but it provides a balance in opinion. The mixture of the light hearted stories, the serious rants, the personal and the updates of what the latest things to break in Portcullis House are whitty and well written. I also had the delight of meeting the man behind the blog the other day and may I say he seemed decent bloke. The winner of the Lord Lucan Award for Best Blog 2007 goes to...

Kerron Cross

A Cracking Story

News reaches me from top source Pookie of an unfortunate situation with the Margret Thatcher statue in Members' Lobby. The sculptors had not made her skirt hollow. This means that when the security teams do their daily search after the Visitor Route has closed they have to use their torch and mirrors to look up her skirt to check for explosives. A sight which I have not yet actually seen but pictured in my mind and it is very funny. However, after the reaction by some Tories at the incorrect reporting of her death on Recess Monkey I imagine there are a fair few who would happily look up her skirt. One just wonders what type of panties the old bird is wearing or is she maybe commando. Sorry if you're reading this whilst eating.

Mask Up For Cricket

This site for the next few weeks this site may well be devoted to cricket. Am currently watching the Windies/Pakistan match waiting for the mighty Dwayne Bravo to score lots of points in my I Don't Like Cricket, I Love It XI fantasy team. Also today in preparation for England's debut match on Thursday I made my Monty mask. You too can do the same thanks to those brilliant chaps at the BBC and if for some unknown reason you are not a fan of the turbanator Mr. Panesar there a wide selection of other masks to make. As I am such a nice chap I will even link them up for you...Monty Mask, Freddie Mask, Brian Lara Mask, KP Mask, Murali Mask, Tendulkar Mask, Vaughany Mask, Hoggy Mask, Warney Mask (requires very wide printer). Enjoy!!

Cricket World Cup

Lord Lucan is an expert on football. FACT. There is nothing he doesn't know about this game full of girls who are overpaid and with a serious attitude problem. Lord Lucan can tell you everything you need to know about this sport. What do you need to know? Nothing, it is a rubbish sport which is dull and overhyped. Hence if you need to know nothing Lord Lucan will tell you everything you need to know. Cricket on the other hand is very worthwhile and Lord Lucan is now very excited on the eve of the Cricket World Cup. The England shirt is washed and ready for wearing in the cupboard and the beer ready to pass my lips. Having just read the marvelous who to look out for at the World Cup by Barry Beef. I am now about to explode with excitment. I have also entered a Fantasy Team at Cricket Web and if you click here you too can enter the fun. Anyhow, here is my line up. Remember there are budget contraints...

5 Batsmen...

Graeme Smith

Brad Hodge

Michael Vaughan

Marvan Atapattu

Kevin Pietersen

Wicketkeeper...

Adam Gilchrist (captain)

2 All Rounders...

Dwayne Bravo

Paul Collingwood

3 Bowlers...

Makhaya Ntini

Dwayne Leverock (he's 21st from Bermuda, he will rock)

Monty Panesar

Lord Lucan Awards - Best New Blog

The winner of the best new blog goes to a blog which is new and is good. Stating the obvious there. The winning blog has provided me with much entertainment with the author's rants on some of the characters around parliament and gives a proper intsight into the reality of the life of a bag carrier. A shared stance on the opinion of Iain Dale has swayed my opinioin in awarding the award to this blog and coverage over the last six weeks of Party Animals has been extremely amusing. Unlike myself, who might have off days (such as Friday where I had a slightly sore head) or won't update for a week because work gets in the way this blog gets updated regularly and with lengthy articles that one can enjoy while drinking their morning coffee. The winner of the Lord Lucan Award for Best New Blog 2007 goes to...

Hamer Shawcross